The Dravidian F word!

Since I have nothing enlightening to say this Diwali, np epiphanic moment nor enlightenment, I'll talk about the Dravidian F word.
I mean, it is not REALLY the F word in the way we think of it in English and anyway I would not be writing about those kind of things on my avowedly sanitised site. But birathers and Sis-ters of Dravida Naadu, if you think about this the way I do, you are likely to come up with gems that shine better than these do.
In Dravidian land, the quintessential Dravidian (read Tamilian) has the unique ability of ignoring the letter "P" in the English alphabet. So when they see "P" they say "F." The inverse of what happens in Laloo land, where they say "PH" when they actually see "F".
For instance, the other day, having come into the hall a few minutes after a function started, I decided not to disturb the proceedings by walking to the front row, where seats are usually reserved for the media, and instead took a seat in the last row.
A khaki-clad man (Obviously working for the organisers) kept looking at me for a long while before he made bold to come up to me and loudly whisper, "Madam, fress-a?" Initially, I wondered if he was asking me if I had had my bath. I even began to think he was sniffing at me, but I could have imagined that.
Turns out I did, cause I soon figured soon that he meant "Was I a member of the Press?" But nothing he said prepared me for what was to come next: "Madam, fuff?" FUFF?!! And then he produced this tray that contained the oiliest PUFF I'd ever seen. I din't take it, not because it was greasy, but because I knew I'd have choked on the Fuff.
I later came to realise that this is not really a class thing, it is indeed all pervasive. Was at a function where a Minister was delivering the Fresidential address. There was much sniggering in the ladies' quarter when the Honorable Minister volunteered information that the government had given away for free hundreds of "Face-makers."

'F'ardon the 'f'un, but I have not stopped laughing yet!